“So close, yet so far”

Sometimes you get so close to just having it, but then you realize you are still so far away from it. You were waiting for that moment for a long and you are about to get it but in a moment everything changes. You came so close but still so far. Will you drop the ball or continue the journey until you reach there? You are not sure if you will ever make it. But when do you stop pursuing it?

In the last 6 months, I have encountered some situations where I got so close to what I was waiting for but then life threw a curve ball. In some cases, I let it go and stop chasing it because I could not see the end of it. But there are a few things, where the journey seems arduous, but I am not ready to give up so easily. What am I talking about? Well, I am certainly not talking about any relationship but chasing your dream, the love, the purpose of your life. Just delete the “human” factor out of it. No pun intended. 😊

I always had a fear of speaking in public, but I never accepted it. Instead, I kept running away from my fear. I never realized I needed to work on the same. I was a topper, studious kind of student in school and college. I was proud of my grades and ability to learn quickly. As usual, I was usually the favorite of teachers in school as well. What was the need to participate in a debate competition or stand on the stage to deliver the speech? It was so unimportant to me during that time, and I considered that a waste of time. However, when I started my first job and that too in sales, I realized my ignorance. It shook me so hard that I was shaken to my core, and it took me some time to get back on my feet. I had no clue where to start and what could be done. I could not find enough courage to face it. But at the bottom of my heart, I knew I had to do something. It was the year 2001. Since then, I started working on my reading habits to improve my communication skills. I had always been a confident speaker but speaking on stage vs speaking in a close gathering are two different things. The ability to gather your thoughts and articulate in simple words in front of a large crowd requires a different kind of skill set. Well, I kept working on reading and always look for opportunities where I could speak. Usually, I preferred small meetings or gatherings as the fear of speaking in a large meeting was still there. I could see the change in me but somewhere I knew I needed to do more. I was close but still so far.

Fast-forward 12 years and I joined a reputed consulting company. It was a great consulting organization, and I was overly excited. And there, the first time I got to know about Toastmasters Club. Within the company, there was a group that was running this club for all the consultants, managers & Sr. managers. It was open to all those who wanted to improve their communication skills and develop confidence. I did attend one session to understand but I didn’t join the group. And you know why? “Fear of failure”. I did not want to accept and show my weakness in front of my office crowd. I was scared and used to think about what if I failed and couldn’t speak well in front of my office people. So, I skipped the Toastmasters club. My skills were close to improvement, but I let them slip out of fear and apprehension. So close but still so far.

Like this, 18 years passed since my realization. Certainly, I’ve improved a lot over a period. Nevertheless, the fear of speaking in public, on stage, was still there. Finally, after waiting for years I decided to join the TM club in 2020. Thanks to one of the distinguished Toastmasters who encouraged me to join the club. Before joining the club, I did a Speechcraft session conducted by her. It was an eye-opening session for me. I learned about various elements of speech crafting. Not only speech crafting or delivery, but I also learned to give and receive feedback. I realized speaking is like exercise, the more you do the better the result would be. I ended up giving three different speeches in front of a small crowd. My confidence soared and I was convinced joining the Toastmasters club was a way to go. I was sure it would help me to improve my communication skills and build confidence. Finally, in July 2020 I joined the Toastmasters club. Considering my workload and other interest I am not super regular at TM club meetings, but I ensure and try to speak once a month for sure. On top of it, I love impromptu speaking. The month I joined the TM club, I participated in a Table topics competition and won at the club level. At area level, I stood second and it was an amazing experience.

I always worked hard on my speeches. I never give any speech, copying from the internet. It is always my original piece, my experience, and my research which reflects in my speeches and in my blogs too. Well, the Toastmasters journey continued, and I kept working on my skills. I tried to perform distinct roles at the club level too. This further helps to enhance your confidence and to see the toastmaster from a unique perspective. Each role in conducting TM club meetings has been carefully considered. These roles teach you the relevance of communication skills, listening skills, knowledge on grammar knowledge, the importance of time, providing feedback, and receiving too. The Toastmaster provides you with complete 360-degree practice to improve your communication style in any forum not only in public. They also provide access to Pathways programs through their website. These online programs are based on different communication and leadership styles. You may choose any number of programs and decide to work on that skill. The tool helps you to recognize your leadership style and recommends the options as well. Currently, I am working on Persuasive Influence pathways and honing this skill. There are various levels in Pathways and at each level, you are requiring finishing projects. As a part of the project, you either provide a speech or perform a role. All the projects are quite interesting, and they help you to grow your speaking abilities in that area. Every level provides a different kind of challenge and at times it is fun to work on the same. Overall, I would say quite an enriching and motivating program. As you accomplish the levels, you are celebrated too in the club by your club members. Not only that, but you also receive appreciation emails and gifts at the district level after finishing the levels in Pathways.

The best part of the club meeting is nobody forces you to give speeches or perform any roles. Presidents and experienced Toastmasters encourage you constantly, but the decision lies with you. It is purely based on self-interest and your comfort level. I remember, after joining the Toastmasters club, it took 2 months before I could give my first speech in the club. Once I did it, there was no stopping. With every speech I gave and the feedback I received; my confidence level rose to the next level. I felt I was coming so close to becoming a great speaker but still, I was so far.

In Jan. 2022, I decided to participate in International Speech Competition at Toastmasters. Till last year Nov.2021, I wasn’t sure, if I would ever participate in a competition. I never joined the TM club to win competitions. Moreover, I had no clue about the speech, Table topics, or Evaluation competitions. Gradually My idea of joining the club is to work on my communication and improve at my own pace. I don’t like to be part of the crazy rat races anyways. I have experienced the rate races enough in the corporate world hence I was not in favor of having such undue pressure of winning competitions at Toastmasters. I gradually came to realize that, in reality, competition helps you learn and improve at a faster rate, in addition to taking your self-confidence to a whole new level. Again, it is up to you if would like to participate and go for it. If you think it gives you stress, you can continue to work on your skills without participating in competitions. Eventually, I learned this and decided to participate in International Speech Competition this year.

In Dec.2021, I visited India and there I started working on my speech. It took me more than 2 months to ready my speech. The first time I gave this speech was in Feb.2022 at the club level and I won too. I received amazing feedback. I incorporated some of the feedback to improve my speech for the next round. Within a month, I had to give this speech at the Area level. Thankfully, by the time, I had my basement ready which is brighter and more spacious which was needed for a clear background in Zoom for the competition. Due to Covid, this competition was online. The online competition brings a different set of challenges. In online meetings, you need to pay more attention to lighting effects, background, camera, and most importantly the audio. I tried to take care of all these critical elements to my best. It was a great learning experience for me I think my hard work paid off and I won the Area level too. My confidence was building and reaching new heights. I started dreaming about reaching a final round, where I could speak in front of a large crowd as a great speaker. After three weeks, I went for the Division Level contest, and I nailed it again. I was inching towards my dream of winning this competition. I felt so close and had just 4 more levels to go. The next level was District Level, and I was so prepared. I was a winner in my mind already. All my club members told me that reaching a District level itself is a commendable thing. Moreover, within two years of the Toastmasters journey and reaching this level was quite an accomplishment. But I wanted to make it to the Finals. I continued working hard on my speech and I practiced my speech religiously every day. Just before the District Level, I got down with Covid, and I couldn’t do anything for almost 10 days because my illness was severe. But still, my hopes were high. I was so close and y any cost I did not want to lose it. I desperately wanted to win this level and go to the next level. Despite my illness, I didn’t lose my hopes. A week before the district-level competition, I put my heart and soul into it. The day arrived and I spoke. I wouldn’t say it was my best delivery as in between the speech my throat went dry, but I managed to pull it off and gave one of the best speeches. But I think it wasn’t my day. Unfortunately, I lost it. I did not make it to the next level. It was quite a setback for me. But eventually, time is a great teacher and gradually I embraced it and moved on.

In life many times, we get so close to having it but then suddenly sunshine goes away, and you see dark clouds in the sky. It gets so far from you that you don’t even know what to do next. If you shall try again or let it go. Some of the dreams, I left chasing but this one I doubt I would leave it soon. Despite my loss, I enjoyed the whole experience and feeling of being so close but so far.