Losing spark in the relationship- friendship or love-how to avoid it ?

You both meet and find that spark, a connection instantly. You both hit it off well. You talk and share things. It felt great that after a long you finally found someone with whom you could be yourself. This connection could develop not only between the lovers but also between the friends. If you find a friend with whom you can open yourself up entirely and tell “as it is” about you without any frills, you feel like the luckiest person on the earth. You may have loads of friends, but with how many of them can you be transparent and feel trusted? We are often uncomfortable sharing our true feelings with our near and dear ones. You find it hard to explain what you are going through. You need help with how much, what to tell, and most importantly, how to speak. You ended up sharing partial truth or nothing. However, if you find someone with whom you don’t have to think twice about what to say, who can hear you without judging you, you feel connected and well-supported. Suddenly, it seems you got the ears that listen to you, your miseries and happiness too. You want to share everything, and you get into the temptation of sharing more as the day passes. It sounds exciting, and you look forward to spending quality time with that friend or that person.

Then what happens….

And here comes the problem. We get carried away and put our entire trust in that person. Gradually, our hopes turn into expectations. When we say something, we expect a specific response and behavior from that person. In the absence of the same, we feel discouraged and ignored. The one who is supposed to be our listening board, a neutral support system, now the same person is becoming our next big problem. More expectations from each other lead to nowhere. That connection starts losing the charm. The things which used to excite us before now irritate us.

That initial spark no more exists. We start seeing flaws in each other. We begin to point out the changes required in that person; we start noticing each other shortcomings and the areas that need improvement. Being transparent in a relationship is great, and we should be frank. All is true, but one thing is sure, in this process, we often lose interest in each other over time. Out of habit, we still share but now can predict the responses.

Some people are intelligent and can revive the relationship’s excitement. They know how to keep the relationship going for years and years. However, many struggles to sustain and start doubting and regretting the foundation of this relationship. Eventually, you may decide to call it off. But before you do, there are a few things you can be watchful for and avoid in the future. Based on my personal experiences, I am sharing some tips here. They will undoubtedly bolster the relationship, and you won’t regret it.

Let me share my story of meeting my spouse. We met in Feb.2005, and by October 2005, we were married to each other. Within eight months, we became friends, liked each other, and decided to take our relationship to a different level. As I said before, we hit it off well from day one. But one thing was that we both have differences in opinions and likings. We only paid attention to them once we got married. We both were excited that we had finally found each other. But after marriage, things started changing between us. We had arguments about many things. It felt like our ship would sink into the ocean before it could begin sailing. We both wondered what happened to that initial connection, that bonding. During our courtship period, we used to talk to each other for hours on the phone. The phone services within the country were on paid basis during that time. But we didn’t bother about phone bills. However, now after marriage, things were a bit rocky. I remember during the same time when I picked up the habit of writing too. That was my preferred way to let out my anger and frustration. After one year of marriage passed, we both realized that we needed to change ourselves for our betterment. We have come so far in this journey together, but certainly, every day is a new learning day. We are evolving and growing together now.

Similarly, I met a few people in my life whom I trusted immediately as a friend. We became close friends, and I poured my heart in front of them. There is a period during which all such relationships are excellent; however, eventually, it becomes apparent that things have changed. We begin to take each other for granted and expect specific behavior or response on every small or big matter. When things don’t go our way, we are stressed out. We feel cheated or neglected.

What to do? How to overcome this negativity in any relationship? Here are some of the genuine advice as per my journey and experiences:

1. Go Slow-Excitement is natural when you find someone who can understand you as a friend or a partner. But still, slow down. Don’t get fixated or obsessed with that person. If you do, you may be hurting later, especially if your relationship will not work out. So why risk everything so soon? Do spend time together, but don’t be eager to share everything quickly.
2. Listen Mindfully and stop advising unnecessarily- “Listening” is essential to the relationship and healthy communication. Listen to your friend, your partner. When you spend more time listening and understanding your friend or partner than talking and expecting always, you will be twice happy and content. If you are a talkative person, take turns in your mind. Once you speak, let the other person talk or encourage them to speak.

This is a difficult skill to develop. With practice, anyone can be a good listener.

1. Stop comparing — This is one of the biggest problems in all relationships. The moment the other person shares their grievances, we jump into the comparison mode. Rather than listening and being empathetic, we give our example and try to prove how our problem or grief is more significant than another person’s. We sometimes get impatient, and without listening to the complete story of the other person, we start preaching, boasting, and sharing our story and expert advice and what we did to overcome the situation. How Insensitive and disrespectful is it? This behavior will never make the other person feel better. That person may feel unheard and will think twice about sharing any problems with you next time. Remember, everyone goes through their own journey and learning curve. No one’s pain or problem is big or small, as it depends on that individual. Be the ear to hear without any interruption. Advise if asked else be a support system for that person.
2. Don’t be super judgmental. Don’t make opinions about each other based on short conversations or interactions. Be Patient, and don’t be in a hurry to call it off. Try to understand each unique perspective. Be transparent with each other and provide good and bad feedback. At the same time, be open to listening about yourself too. If needed, please change your behavior if you agree to it and it resonates with your value system. There is no harm in learning something new and forgetting old habits. It is worth it for someone special in your life.
3. Don’t keep too many expectations but do keep hope. Expectations can lead to disappointments. Because when we expect, we already assume the response in our head. If it doesn’t get fulfilled, we start sulking. We start blaming the other person for being insensitive and cold. Suddenly, we become the victim. However, if you keep the hope, you are more open and flexible to accept the outcome. It is better because this won’t hurt you, and you will not get into overthinking or negative space. I know it is easier said than done. But we can try. I have tried this approach, and trust me, it works.
4. Give space to each other. It says Distance makes the heart grows fonder. It is so true. Remember others as you spend time in a newly found relationship. It is a common mistake by many of us. Unknowingly we forget everything else around us and think about that one person. We spend time with only that person and give less importance to others. It is advisable to let each other breathe and enjoy different companies and activities. It applies to any relationship. Be it in a friendship, marriage, or between lovers.
5. Lastly, don’t fall into the trap of Familiarity breed contempt. This rule applies to everything. We start getting bored when we know someone or something in detail. It may not apply to all, but many of us are like that. Knowing too much can put us off as we start seeing the flaws in the other person. We all have spots, and nothing is perfect in this world. Instead of seeing or finding faults, let’s be happy with each other and appreciate the goodness in others.